The Candidate Who Knows What’s Best for YOU

By David Laffoon, Features Writer 

It’s no secret the mainstream media has a lot of power. They control what people look at, listen too and believe. So it’s no surprise that most people haven’t heard of presidential candidate Vermin Supreme when none of the mainstream media have done a story regarding his campaign. Vermin Supreme is an older gentleman who wears a rubber boot on his head and calls himself your “friendly fascist”. Now of course he isn’t one of the final contenders for the White House or more people would have heard about him, but of all the candidates who have run this cycle, his story is without a doubt one of the most interesting.

Vermin Supreme registered to be on the democratic ballot for the primary in New Hampshire this year and it was far from his first time. Supreme has been involved in politics for decades, running for various local, state and national government positions. His first time was running for president was in 1992, and he has run in every election since. While many candidates we see these days have flipped on certain positions over the course of their political career, Vermin Supreme has had a consistent platform every cycle. The topics he cares about are not often discussed, which is perhaps the reason Supreme is always talking about them.

His platform consists of mandatory tooth-brushing laws, zombie-outbreak contingency plans, time travel research and a pony-based economy. The tooth-brushing laws are designed to help America “bite back” because we can no longer a nation “indentured”. Too long have we been in “a great moral and oral decay”. Sounds pretty convincing when he puts it like that. His zombie contingency plan relies upon utilizing latest in giant hamster wheel technology to harness energy from zombies by using them to turn turbines and generate clean electricity. This has the added bonus of reducing America’s dependence on foreign oil according to Mr. Supreme. The time travel aspect of his platform is one of the most controversial. Supreme plans to use time travel to go back in time and kill baby Hitler with his bare hands. This became an interesting point of comparison between Vermin Supreme and the then presidential hopeful Jeb Bush who said, “Hell yeah I would kill baby Hitler”. However, his supporters were reassured because while Bush said he would kill Hitler, Supreme promises he will kill Hitler. The final part of his platform is the pony based economy and is the part of his platform he is most well known for. Supreme has promised a free pony for every American. This would serve as national identification as well as transportation and job creation. When asked by news reporters if he would raise taxes to pay for all the ponies, Mr. Supreme responded emphatically saying, “No they are free ponies”.

Obviously, Vermin Supreme is a satirical political activist, but that hasn’t stopped people from voting for him. For the New Hampshire democratic primary, he finished in fourth place with over 240 votes- more votes than former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore received who was also pursuing the presidency at the time. Supreme has been gaining more and more followers the longer he has been around. During one interview Supreme claimed to have paved the way for Donald Trump to campaign by saying he brought ridiculousness to politics and that is something Trump was able to pick up on. While he may not be helping to improve politics or American in general, Vermin Supreme has demonstrated one very important thing- free speech is incredibly powerful. Never take it for granted. A single man who wears a rubber boot on his head and wants every American to have a pony and wants to kill baby Hitler with his bare hands has inspired hundreds of people to vote for him. What an amazing feat. Maybe now what America needs is someone with that kind of ability to inspire who also good ideas for the nation.